Losing with Class

This weekend, Peanut’s U10C softball team played a Father’s Day tournament in town. We went 2-1 in pool play, coming up against a hard to hit pitcher. Kids got to go home, regroup, and head back to the fields Sunday morning (Happy Father’s Day, to all the dads!) We won the first game in bracket play.

Then came the semis. We typically get 3 innings in one game. Our pitchers, catchers are still learning so it’s not the fastest pace game, but they play hard for those three innings. The team we played was evenly matched, and we were just barely ahead by the end of the third, but we had enough time to play one more inning. We gave up all five runs to get behind so we had to fight back. We tied up the game and went into extra innings. Twice. By the end of the game, we lost by two (tying run on second).

Our kids left their hearts, souls, and maybe a few tears on the field. They had played the equivalent of two games and came out just short.

There are not much worse ways to lose. The question is, how do you lose with class? I think the coaches and players did (as did the parents). The coaches and players cleared the bench to allow the next teams to get on the field. I didn’t hear badmouthing of the other team or the umpire. Although we’d been kidding as parents that there’s no crying in baseball, our kiddos shed a few. The coach told them it was okay to cry, and to come back out and play hard Tuesday. Coach said he’d never been part of such a close and good game, and he was proud of our players.

As a parent, there’s not much worse than watching your kid hurt, and knowing that there’s nothing you can do about it. Our kiddos hurt yesterday afternoon, but they should hold their heads high. And while I much more would have rather them have to learn to win with class, these lessons are valuable. It’s one of the reasons we send them out to play sports. NOT to have their heart broken, but to learn that you can come back and play again. Losing doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t make  you a loser. How you respond is the the definition of your character.

Did  you play hard and fair? (check). Did you do your best today? (check). Did you leave it all on the field? (check) Did you have fun with  your teammates? (check). Did you treat the other team with respect and wish them good luck or good game? (check) Did you hustle on and off the field? (check) Did you call the game stupid or throw your bat or helmet? (nope) Did you say “never playing again” (nope). Did you take a bit to be sad, and say “I want to do better”? (check)

My daughter and her teammates are learning to work. They played their hearts out, kept their passion but didn’t lose their tempers. They held each other up and cheered each other on!

This team has already exceeded my expectations and I’m excited for their next tournament. I’ll be gone thanks to a trip to Scotland for work. So I’m hopeful someone will take pictures, and someone will provide updates. I’m hopeful my kid does her best and has fun. And that team continues to support each other!

Note: All pictures from the fabulous Nicole Lacoste at NicoleLacostephotography, used with permission. https://www.facebook.com/shakopeephotography/

 

 

Double Digits!!!

Peanut is 10 today… We’ve hit double digits, and we’re pretty excited about it. Well, she is. Hitting 10 is a big deal apparently.

Peanut, You’ve been very impressive at the gains and growth in the last year. You’ve started and ended 4th grade. You slayed the 4th grade academically, made some new great friends, and grown up a little more. Your sense of humor has been fun to watch grow, although I’ve got to get quicker because apparently sarcasm rubs off…

I’m proud of <the majority of> your interactions with your sisters. While we all have our moments with each other, there are moments that stand out. Walking off the fields, your sister will grab your hand, and you’ll accept her hand without questioning. While you may not always appreciate the “big sister” designation, you are learning to live with it. 90% of the time, you’re a great, if reluctant, role model. When you sat through your sisters’ recital dress rehearsal, you made sure to tell each one they did well. You’ll take the time to come to their games occasionally, and cheer them on, play with them, and then read to them. You are helping to honor them, and we’re really proud of that.

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In the last year, you have learned more about the world around you, and have been learning more about the world in which we live. You followed the election and asked really good questions. We had real conversations about news and slants. We had conversations about racial divides in the U.S., and how other countries are working. I’m proud of the knowledge you tried to absorb, and your analysis of the big things we have going on in this country.

This year, you also tackled tough challenges for you. You got put on a high level softball team this fall, and you did your level best to keep up. You had to give a 5 minute speech in front of classmates, and you rocked it. You had your first large project, with lots of due dates and real work, and you did so very well. You tried a new Crossfit gym.

You have shown such great levels of responsibility and maturity. Your work ethic is starting to show, and it’s one I’m proud of for you. I never hear your coaches tell you to hustle. You have worked hard on your school work, and rocked your AR goals. After two hard years of saving, you bought yourself an iPad, and you’ve been saving again. When the opportunity arose to work on the local Shakopee park that was accessible for all, you worked really hard on it. You built the slide, and worked on more. You worked as hard as the adults, and the pride you took in that was awesome. At the time you signed up to help, you thought you were helping a park that would not benefit you personally. You thought you were just helping others that needed help, and I’m so proud of you for that. parkbuilding7

This year, your goals (as stated by you): a) get bat on ball, b) move downstairs, c) read a 500 page book in 7 days d) have fun. I’m not sure about the move downstairs, but I like the rest. Dad and I will help you with all of those as you want. It’s a good thing you like libraries, though, as I can’t afford your book habit!

Your dad and I love you, and are so very proud of the kiddo you are. We are so very grateful for you and the strengths you bring to this family. Keep learning and growing and loving and helping. Your heart is strong, and your mind is too. Believe in yourself as much as your dad and I believe in you. longwoodgardens2.JPG

 

 

Teacher Appreciation Week

September 2016 076I lose track, I can’t remember when exactly Teacher Appreciation Week actually is, but I always appreciate the teachers in my kiddos’ school. Teachers have a tough job, and while they may get validation from the kiddos with hugs or high fives, I don’t know if they get enough parent validation, so I’m here to provide that every once in a while.

Earlier, I sent an email to each teacher and copied their principal. The notes were focused on the kiddo/teacher interactions, and the kiddo’s progress on the year. It’s a new thing I started last year based on some suggestion from Facebook. It seems like so little I can do, because I can’t do the big things… I have zero pinterest abilities, limited funds, limited time to be at the school, etc…

My three kids are currently 4th grade, Kindergarten, and preschool. The school they belong to has been amazing for them. They are honored as individuals. The school’s mission is to nurture the body, mind, and soul of the children, and to develop leaders. The nurturing and developing .

When Bug randomly fell asleep in class one Friday, rather than waking her up to shove math class at her, they let her sleep and woke her after up after an hour to go play (and emailed me to watch in case she was getting sick).  When the amazing librarian realized that a book from Peanut’s favorite series had just been delivered, she made sure to tell Peanut, and let her check it out first. When Bits busted her mouth (at a park under parental care, and not at school), her teachers worked with us for appropriate snacks. I could continue examples, but I have to allow my girls some privacy.

Oh, they are expected to also integrate and work with other kids in their school. They are offered opportunities to play sports or sing choir (and next year is band; shudder)! They have group work during school hours. They are expected to be capable of presentations in front of their class, and speak in front of the school (classes put on mass).

The school also honors family time. We’ve rarely had homework that required weekend work. When we pulled the kids for a family vacation from school for 4 days, no one blinked. They wished us fun and enjoyment together, and worked with us for homework.

Academically, they are held to high expectations. If a kiddo is underperforming, I’ve been told. If they are excelling, I’ve been told. Peanut had integrated work when the class learned about the states. Social Studies, English, music, science, art, and probably math. They are using technology as I do at work (google sheets, anyone?). The kindergarten curriculum starts first grade math concepts in the third quarter. But homework isn’t the be all end all for my kindergartener.

I won’t speak to all the things that the teachers and support staff have done for my kiddos as my kids have a right to privacy. The teachers and other staff are amazing. I will be always grateful for the school and to know that my kiddos are loved, supported, and encouraged as individual humans.

Bug is 6!

Another milestone about to hit our house. The middle little is 6.

Bug, you are 6!
I gotta tell you — the 5s, they are hard work for all of us. There’s a lot of growing and learning and adapting and moving on for all of us. There’s so much I want to tell you. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a kid take to school like you. You adore school, socially, mentally, physically. It wears you out, but you love it. The friends you keep making, and the stuff you keep learning keeps us on our toes. I don’t know how many times we’ve heard “Our God is an awesome God”. Your reading skills have grown leaps and bounds. Math, yep, you got it. Picking you up from school is like getting a princess. You have to tell everyone good bye (and they need to return the favor, apparently), and you are giving out hugs for all too.

Tired though you may be from all that learning and playing at school, you still have energy to be a sister. Perhaps, occasionally a nudge of a sister, but a sister. You play with Peanut and Bits and you laugh and love (and argue and fight) with both as a sister a should. Your sweet nature comes out when you help the littler one learn a song (see Our God is an Awesome God) or helping her spell. It comes out when you cheer your just older one and tell her how good she is at something. You’ve a special bond with the oldest and it’s not uncommon to see you curled on her lap or waiting while she does your hair.

You’ve got this bike-riding thing down, and you’re loving to be outside. Trying new sports is fun for you, and it’s so fun to watch you. I especially love when you turn to make sure someone who has just taken a tumble is okay. You’ve tried rugby and volleyball as new sports and are begging for more rugby opportunities. You’ve already asked us to sign up for basketball this winter, and I’m sure we’ll be doing more softball. I love that you like to try new things and meet new people.

Last week, I got to read to your class for your special day, and while I was there, your teacher asked us questions. She asked me why you are special.  You are sunshine. You were born during the dark time of year, but you were happy and loved to be with us. As you’ve aged you’ve always been so generous with your heart and try to cheer up and on other people.

Pictures above courtesy of Megan Stans at meganstans.com

 

 

An Open Letter to Mr. Trump

Mr. Trump.
I didn’t vote for you. However, because we live in the U.S, and we have a history of peaceful transitions of leadership, you will be President. I’ve got some requests for you as you embark on this next phase of your life, and our next phase. I’m not going to focus on your past, words or actions, instead I’m going to ask for your help in our future.

You have chosen to go in to public office, to serve our country as an elected official… Somewhere around 47% of the voting population put your name in. More actually voted Ms. Clinton’s. It was not a sweeping victory, not a moral victory; instead it was the most divisive in years. Regardless of who voted for you, you are all our president. Our girls, boys, men, women, differently abled, differently religioned, different ethnicity. I implore you to remember that all of us have to be served by you. We all have differing needs. We have differing hopes,dreams, and ideals. We ALL have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I’m not asking you to make us happy, that’s on us. I’m asking that instead, you make sure you put no barriers up to that pursuit. That all of us have the same ability to live and grow and learn and think.

As you plan your next 4 years, I implore that you think about the fact that you have chosen to serve. I’m using this definition of serve: “to be in the service of, to work for”. That is, you work for us. ALL OF US. A nation divided unlike any time I can remember.  Whether I like it or not, whether you like it or not, it’s the truth. You work for us. Not some sub-division, but all of us.

I beg, as you are now a leader in a place that you have never been, that you surround yourself with strong, smart, capable people. I beg that you seek out the best and brightest scientists, states-people, generals, educators, and more.  I beg that you invest in continuing your education in these spaces, but that you remember that it will take a village here. I ask, that you surround yourself with leaders of strong moral compasses. I request that you make sure to include people who do not look or think like you. That you include those of differing opinions from yours so that the best and right answers can be sought to the most difficult of questions.

You are now going to be judged as a success completely differently than every other way you’ve been judged. It’s no longer about your ratings, how much money you make. You will now be judged on the success of our nation. How many of our men and women in uniform come home safely to their families every night will be on you. Your legacy will extend to how well our middle class grows, thrives or dies. Your legacy will be on the success of continuing to protect our environment and keep our land, air, water supplies pure. Will we be a nation that took the tired, the weak, the huddled masses? Will we be a nation that provided safety nets to those that had nowhere to turn?  Will we have more or less unemployment? Are our children able to freely access education, health care? Will they be safer in schools? Are our allies still standing strong with us? Our enemies fewer? Less able to inflect grievous harm on us?

When you think about your 1-X Supreme Court Justice nominations, I beg you to think about judges who do know and respect the constitution. When you determine other positions, I beg you to think about the best person for that position every time.

I am praying for you to do your level best because my life, livelihood depends on it. Because my children’s lives/livelihoods do. Be assured. I will not be apathetic in these next 4 years. I will be 100% engaged daily. I will hold you as accountable as I know how to do. God speed.

Bits is 4

As cliche as it sounds, somehow our last one is already 4. Not sure where the time went, but she’s so excited to be a “big girl” now because she gets to go to school!

Bits – Your growth over the last 4 years has been so fun to watch. This last year, we’re seeing more and more of an individual come through. Oh, sure, you still look like your sisters, and love to imitate (sometimes SOLELY to irritate) them, but you are your own. You figured out how to ride a bike (with training wheels) because every one else is. You ride a scooter like Evil Knievel in a dress. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve held my breath and waited to see what would happen next. (face planting into the plant is my most recent “oh no”).

Now that you get to be in school, you are living your dream. Every morning you ask if you get to go, and you cheer when the answer is yes. Your teacher tells us how wonderful and cooperative you’ve been. The stubborn streak we see while you learn and teach yourself a new skill will serve you well.

I know you love your sisters more than life, and I think they know that, too. Your smile and sense of humor have made us so happy to have you as our ‘caboose’, ‘finale’, ‘end’. I love my hugs I get when I come in from work. I love the snuggling while we read books and you keep working on words. I love your sass and spark and spunk. Love you to bits, Bits!

 

Kiddok is 20

In the ongoing narrative of kids birthday – another one hits Saturday. Kiddok is 20…

Because I don’t have permission from her for recent pictures for this blog, this will be without pictures.

In the last year, Kiddok, you have finished your first year of college, returned for the summer, engaged with your sisters, and had a job, etc. You were able to get a job at the library at school, and you really seemed to enjoy it. Your sisters missed you greatly last year (as did your parents!) but technology allowed some long-distance face-to-face conversations which I think helped greatly.

I’m so glad you were home this summer. Although all of us hated saying goodbye to Thor, I’m glad you were able to be here to pet and cherish him. Your bond with him was so important.

You have continued to show your compassion to the world. You have been and continue to be passionate in your defense of the underdog and marginalized. I admire that about you.

Although we didn’t see eye to eye much over the last year (and I don’t just mean the foot difference in our height), I still love you, believe in you, and respect the path you are forging. This year, I wish you to continue finding and pursuing your passions in this world. I’m so very hopeful that you find the ability to travel as part of school, and that it only continues to encourage your global view of life.

Happy 3rd decade kiddok!

 

My baby “started school”

My beautiful Bits “finally” got to start school today. She is only 3 (nearly 4, and thinks she should be 8), but her best friend (i.e. Bug) started full time school last year for a K-Readiness program (her age precluded kindergarten). It nearly kill Bits to watch her go every day.

When we signed the girls up for school this year we had told Bits she could start school this fall. She waited and waited. Bought her backpack and supplies (paper towels, tissues, etc). Waited and waited. And then the big day. But wait, the big day was when her sisters went to school but she had to wait another day because she’s not every day. The tears, the anguish, the pleading, the anger. (I think she really did go through all the levels of grieving in one day!)

So today her Daddy and I took her to school. She got to walk in with her own backpack and find her own locker. She was so proud. She immediately put her stuff away and got to business. Tracing her name and finding her name tag. She did great. She gave me a hug, gave her dad a hug and away we went. According to Mike, she had a great day.

I’m still slightly traumatized. My youngest baby is taking her first steps away from me. Don’t get me wrong, she’ll do great. But it’s my last first. It’s the last time one of my kids will first go to school.

These moments hit me hard. I’m super happy with our family size and I’m happy my kids are healthy and growing and hitting these moments at the right times. But yet. There’s just a little bit of sorrow. I know that soon she will have friends that we might not be friends with their parents. I know that she will soon not care to give me hugs but instead run out of the car or onto the bus with a ‘bye mom’ (or not so much as by-your-leave). I’m just not quite there. So I sit here just a little sadder than I should be. Fly little Bits, Fly. Don’t notice my tears. Notice my smile and my pride.

Thor

A few weeks ago, we had to put our Thor to sleep. We did tell the kids that he went to heaven because both of us can’t imagine not having our pups again running and chasing. Anything that brings and teaches so much about love can’t just leave us.

Our family is grieving hard, and it’s definitely been an experience in honoring all the levels and types of grieving. Grief will immediately show the personalities of each individual. The girls are all at different levels of cognitive abilities, and they all process differently.

Kiddok at 19 is old enough to know exactly what happened, knew it was coming, and hated every moment. We woke her up on a Sunday to the message that she needed to come over and say good-bye. She’d previously lost a cat, and knew that this would stick with her. She’s a quieter processor. She wants to talk about it occasionally, but on her terms and more 1:1.

Peanut at 9 (by the way – it was on her 9th birthday this all went down) is at a different cognitive level. She’s never had a real loss, so this was her first experience. She’s been at a Catholic school for 4 years so that really played into her processing. She was alternately quiet and wanting to be left alone with  needing attention about it. She hated any reminders of the incident if she happened not to be thinking about it right then. Being 9, she wasn’t able to roll with every punch as it landed when someone grieved in her space.

Bug at 5 was very pragmatic. Rather than focusing on the loss of Thor, she focused on the fact that we still had Mahla, and she needed us. She tended to not process vocally at all unless someone started it. She sat and cried for a long time at the time, and then she sort of “bucked up” and moved on. I’m not clear how or why as we worked very hard to not tell the girls to change their grieving patterns. Crying (even hysterically) was honored a long time.

Bits at 3 is the one who truly surprised me and broke my heart. She had no filter on her grief. It was immediate, loud, and raw. (That’s the part that broke my heart.) The idea of her losing her buddy (as Daddy’s helper with the dogs in the afternoon) was so harsh. She also processes out loud. Everyone we talked to that day (and for days after) whether we knew them or not found out about our pup. (Of course, her language skills aren’t perfect at 3, so we sometimes had to interject and help the receiver of the message which isn’t at all awkward). She will still ask about it. This made it very hard on Peanut because she didn’t want the reminders and Bits needed to spit it out.

Then, there’s our Mahla. Our girl who lost a brother and has no cognitive ability to understand why he didn’t come home. She’s still grieving and we just had her into the vet because she’s clearly stressed. She’s licking and biting herself and giving herself an infection. She’s gotten so much love lately to try and make sure she understands she is still loved.

I can tell you that neither Mike or I was okay with this. It killed us to have to make the decision, tell the girls, follow though, and then “carry on”. I’m sure we failed each of the girls at different times by not honoring them and their needs through this. I’m sure we succeeded at other times by working with them to honor each other and give grace as needed. Mike and I both process differently (I’m an out loud – hence the blog, and he’s an internal). All I know is that we are both hoping that Mahla is with us for a long, long time.

See you again some day. Thor. Love you still!

Going to a wedding as a parent

This weekend, we were lucky to be invited to a family wedding, and our children were welcome, as well. I love weddings, and I really love family weddings. The kind where I get to see my family (that is spread across the nation)!  The kind where it’s a joyous occasion and all parties are thrilled!

Mike and I packed up the kiddos, drove 8 hours and celebrated with family. It was great fun, but weddings are way different when you have kids.

Sitting at the wedding, Mike and I were separated by 4 children and a grandparent. I had another grandparent on the other side of me, as well. Usually during a wedding, I’m thinking a bit about my vows, what they mean now, what they meant then. I’m thinking about the fact that I still like my husband (and love him, too!) Sometimes I would lean into him, celebrating our nearness. During this wedding, I was looking across the pew wondering how he was. I was focusing on making sure Bits didn’t use the pen provided to destroy the bible or anything else. I was focused on Bug getting the snuggles she seemed to need right then! Fielding questions from Peanut about why it was different (Lutheran vs Catholic).

At the reception, we were focused on making sure my kids didn’t take out the gorgeous cake. That they were reasonably well-behaved before supper. That they didn’t eat ALL the chocolates provided or spilling the water in that *gasp* breakable glass!

My favorite part of the reception (and I’m mad I didn’t think of this for our reception) was when they asked all the married couples to dance. As the DJ called out years of marriage, you had to be married that long to stay on the floor. My girls saw us leave before 10 because its a few more weeks until our 10th anniversary. They saw their great-uncle help his wife out her wheelchair and hold nearly all her weight so they could dance to nearly 30 years of marriage. They saw their grandparents dance till 45. They saw another great-uncle dance his wife until the very end. (And if you don’t think he was thrilled to be the winner, you don’t know our competitive streak!) Before girls, I would have thought that was cool. Now, it’s so much more. I hope my girls see just what kind of legacy they follow. What a marriage means (not just a cool wedding dress and princess night!) Old age and bad health. Fun celebrating a grandkid’s wedding. Like each other’s family enough to drive 8 hours for a wedding.

We spent much of that night separated watching the girls. Working to make sure they were loved and supervised, fed and more or less unsugared. I got to dance that one dance for about 10 seconds with my husband because this is where we are right now. We’re raising young women who need us more than we need each other.

I know that this too will pass. And some day I will not have mini-humans who need me as much. Some day, it might be me watching my child marry the love of their life. Or trying to help them contain their kiddos in a church during a different marriage ceremony. I treasure the time we had this weekend to be with family and help support one newly  minted marriage on it’s way.  I’m grateful that we could go, that life worked out.

Picture by the amazing Megan Stans at meganstans.com!